Blogged her hard

2006-12-23T12:49:00.001-05:00

Your mother is a horcrux. I left a little piece of myself inside of her.

2006-11-22T14:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote your mom's geosynchronous obit.

Names redacted

2006-07-24T20:38:00.000-04:00

I've removed all the most obvious references to the identities of this blog's authors. They're not top-secret by any means, but at least people will no longer discover them by accident. I will say: the blog has two authors. A, uh, simple Google search totally wouldn't reveal my identity.

2006-07-24T18:23:00.000-04:00

Your mom released a hot Bitchtorrent.

2006-01-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Your mom makes me NP-Hard. I make your mom NP-Complete.

2005-11-17T23:18:00.000-05:00

Your mom called me "Napoleon" and I boned her apart.

2005-10-31T13:26:00.000-05:00

Your mom went down until further notice.

2005-10-27T15:27:00.000-04:00

Your mom internalized The Oppressor.
Your mom had the policeman inside.

2005-10-25T22:22:00.000-04:00

Q: Why doesn't anyone want your mom onboard their ship?
A: Because she'd devour all the seamen!

Variation
Q: What happened when your mom boarded my ship?
A: She choked on my seamen!

2005-10-17T15:18:00.001-04:00

Your mom evolved onto my hairless ape.

2005-10-17T15:18:00.000-04:00

Your mom climbed aboard my fellowship.

2005-10-12T16:39:00.000-04:00

I appreciated your mom's inner beauty (hard).
Afterwards, it depreciated.

2005-10-03T15:49:00.000-04:00

After I forced my critical mass on your mom, it wasn't long before gridlock set in.

2005-09-29T22:23:00.000-04:00

Your mom couldn't get my mind out of her gutter. I had to gut her.

2005-08-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

Your mom made my dinosaur last.
Your mom made my dinosaur, at last.
Your mom made mine her last dinosaur.

2005-08-03T16:22:00.000-04:00

Your mom has serious aspirations.
Your mom aims high.

2005-04-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

What's your mom's favorite monkey species? Macaque.

2005-04-22T18:31:00.000-04:00

My dinosaur killed your mom.
Your mom killed my dinosaur.

2005-04-20T18:02:00.000-04:00

People were initially impressed that your mom could spot a cock at 100 meters, but then I explained that it was my cock, and it was jabbing into her eye.

2005-04-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

Your mom slowly starved to death after I took her off my feeding tube.

2005-04-05T15:27:00.000-04:00

Your mom cross-dressed in the role of Yorick.

2005-04-05T15:26:00.000-04:00

Your mom persisted in the dangerous belief that her vagina was a dirty thing largely because I smeared it with my man-nitro-benzine.

2005-03-31T15:37:00.000-05:00

Q: How come everyone knows what your mom did last night?
A: It was written all over her face.

2005-03-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

I impaled your mom on my MassPike.

2005-03-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

When I'm inside your mom, there is no distinction between being and becoming.

2005-03-08T18:40:00.000-05:00

I started a family with your mom. They all lived in her decaying corpse.

2005-03-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

I traded all your mom's tomorrows for just a single yesterday. Then I buried her in a ditch.

2005-02-27T20:43:00.000-05:00

Your mom gives great Fountainhead.

2005-02-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

a. I cut up your mom with my George Washington Carver. b. I put my Frank Lloyd wright in your mom.

2005-02-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Your mom's F-statistic was very high.

2005-02-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

You know how the Cato Institute is a think-tank? Well, your mom's cunt is a thing-tank.

2005-02-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

Your mom smoked my Super Bowl.

2005-02-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

Your mom and I burned the midnight petroleum jelly.

2005-02-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

Capitalism delivered the goods to your mom.

A riddle!

2005-01-31T20:51:00.000-05:00

Why is your mom's bedroom called, "The Cowpoke"?

2005-01-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

I told your mom she was a scat enthusiast, and she ate that shit right up.

Two Variants on a Theme

2005-01-24T21:44:00.000-05:00

1. "I whipped your mom with my Citizen Kane." 2. "I clubbed your mom repeatedly with my PEN15 Club."

Literary Reminiscences

2005-01-24T20:00:00.000-05:00

"I first encountered my canine side when I dug a hole in your mom and put my bone in it." --Dylan Thomas, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog (1940)

2005-01-16T17:12:00.001-05:00

Your mom's accidental death was mourned by murderers everywhere.

2005-01-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

Your mom's eyes were all dewy -- mildewy, that is.

2005-01-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

Through my rapacity, I filled your mother to capacity.

2005-01-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between your mom and an animatronic sex doll?
A: One of them has the spark of life, and the other is lying in a shallow ditch, murdered.

2005-01-13T23:23:00.000-05:00

All work and no play makes your mom into a shattered shell of a woman. Or maybe it was the daily beatings.

2005-01-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

When your mom hasn't sucked cock for a while, she gets the protein shakes.

Your mom insisted on calling me Proteinaceous D.

2005-01-10T17:56:00.000-05:00

Your mom and I borrowed a technique from the love that dare not speak its name.
I slapped your mom across the face with the glove that dare not speak its name.
I boiled your moms remains on the stove that dare not speak its name.
I cremated your mom in the oven that dare not speak its name.
I trampled your mom with the hoof that dare not speak its name.

A note on syntax

2005-01-10T01:41:00.000-05:00

I love the English language, but sometimes I wish it was a little more precise. It can be quite tricky to disambiguate possible intended senses at times, and especially tricky to do so while trying to craft a sentence with minimal clunk. Consider the phrase,

Your mom has a manbeergut.

There are at least two possible divergent readings here, viz.:

1. Your mom has a man(beergut);
2. Your mom has a (manbeer)gut.

How to tell whether the intended message was 1. (i.e., your mom has a beergut, like a man might) or 2. (i.e., your mom has a protruding gut, borne of overindulging in guzzling manbeer)?

Ans.: 2.

2005-01-09T22:01:00.000-05:00

I gave your mom throat cancer.

2005-01-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

I won't say what exactly I did to your mom, but I'll say she had that cock-eyed look about her.

2005-01-06T17:16:00.000-05:00

Your mom, though well-laid, went oft agley.　(That's part of the reason I eventually euthanized the ungrateful bitch.)

2005-01-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

I featured in your mom's hardcore final fantasy.

2005-01-05T01:09:00.000-05:00

My skies opened and your mom drank her fill.

Your mom bought my soma online.

2005-01-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

Army regulars nickname the special forces (and your mom) "snake eaters."

2004-12-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

I celebrated the completion of my finals by posting snippets about your mom and each of my four (other) classes.

I hypothesized that we were below the socially optimal level of mom-murder. (Don't worry, we're not now.)

I rammed your mom at the 5% significance level.

你妈妈怎么样？

おれはあんたの母さんをやりて、くろした。

2004-12-22T01:07:00.000-05:00

Your mom integrated the principal branch of my function.

The residue of my pole of degree 7 in your mom is difficult to compute.

Your mom was analytic everywhere.

I expanded my principal part in your mom's singularity.

I posted a somewhat self-indulgent list of silly jokes the day I finished my complex analysis exam.

2004-12-19T16:00:00.000-05:00

Your mom needs a lawyer who will do whatever it takes.

2004-12-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

Your mom internalized my moral lesson.

The Craven

2004-12-18T19:44:00.000-05:00

With (insincere) apologies to Edgar Allen Poe, this is called, The Craven:

Once upon a midnight lonely
as I rammed your mother solely --
solely on account of she's a misbegotten whore,
And as her ass I was a-tapping
suddenly, there came a rapping,
as of somehow tightly strapping --
strapping your mom to the floor.
"'Twas the wind," said I, "and nothing more."

Starter Pack

2004-12-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

Your mom made my manmohan singh.

Your mom raged against my machine.

Your mom did a little dance around my maypole. Then she took a big drink of my maypole syrup.

Comedy is tragedy plus "your mom" jokes.

Why your mom keeps crawling back

2004-12-18T16:15:00.000-05:00

You may remember that period in middle school when the appropriate response to any question or remark was, "Your mom." Among more elaborate statements of this simple sentiment, there were a couple varieties: assertions that your mom is fat, stupid, ugly, or all of the above; or that the speaker slept with her, and that she liked it.

Most people got bored of these cracks pretty quickly, and so did I. But while my peers abandoned your mom entirely, to pursue other verbal fads, I started looking for ways to make talking about your mom a little more interesting. In the years since those earliest days of your mom, I've explored the confluences of such divergent fields as your mom's legs. (Also: your mom and terrible puns, your mom and major English writers, your mom and numerous mathematical disciplines, your mom and the works of Edgar Allen Poe, your mom and current events, your mom and popular music, and perennial favorites your mom and exceptional cruelty.)

All of the "your mom" jokes (if jokes they be) on this page are my exclusive intellectual property unless specifically noted otherwise. Copyright me (at date of posting or earlier), all rights reserved. That said, though, if for some unfathomable reason you'd like to borrow one of them, please, please drop me a line -- leave a comment, or follow my profile link and send me an e-mail.